Photo by Kimber Brown Photography

Pumping rules everything around me.

I will explain myself to you, as I feel compelled to explain myself to everyone who asks me about breastfeeding (which is actually an alarming amount of people that I encounter). Call me old fashioned, but talking about my breasts generally makes me uncomfortable. The judgement makes it even worse.

After Blake was born, we were visited by 2 lactation consultants that told me his latch looked perfect. I was wheeled out of the hospital feeling confident about breastfeeding. Boy was I wrong.

When Blake was 3 days old, we went for our routine visit with his pediatrician and were told that he had lost weight to the point where we needed to go to the lab to have his blood tested for high bilirubin levels. His doctor told us to start supplementing with formula immediately and that if we didn’t get his weight up quickly, he would be hospitalized. We were obviously scared and started feeding the poor guy around the clock by both breast and formula from bottles. After 2 additional days of blood testing (getting a vial of blood from a newborn is BRUTAL), he was back to his birth weight and we were given the all clear.

Mark and I were both traumatized by the experience and we continued to feed Blake around the clock. He was falling asleep at the breast after about 3 minutes of feeding, so he was getting a majority of his feeds from formula. After meeting with several lactation consultants and having one visit us at our house, I found that Blake was only getting about an ounce of milk every time he breastfed. To make matters worse, he had developed a strong preference for bottles. We also found out that he had a “tongue tie” which was causing him to fall asleep at the breast because he had to work so hard to eat, even though he had a perfect latch. We scheduled a frenectomy which would later take place when he was 4 weeks to release the tongue tie and hopefully help to make breastfeeding more productive and also help with his constant spitting up, since he wouldn’t be taking in so much air during feeds.

In the meantime, I started a crazy schedule of pumping 10 times a day for at least 15 minutes each session to make sure that I didn’t lose supply. I would fight with Blake all day long to try to get him to take my breast. I would do the feed with a bottle and switch to boob trick, try every position in the book, and do skin to skin all day long. I literally spent hours each day having him scream and kick as I desperately tried to shove my nipples in his face and you know what? I hated it. He hated it. On the rare occasion when he would breastfeed, I would immediately have to set him down to pump after. It was no way to live so you know what? I did what was best for BOTH of us and it was not the breast.

Pumping 10 times a day was not a sustainable lifestyle for me. I was frazzled, unhappy, and stressed. Now I pump when I can, on average 6 times a day. I breastfeed when we both feel like it. I offer and if he is in the mood, we do it, if he doesn’t feel like it, we don’t. As a result, he is drinking about half breast milk, half formula. If he falls asleep on me, I let myself hold him instead of rushing to put him down and pump. If I want to go out of the house and don’t feel like pumping, oh well.

I understand the benefits of exclusively breastfeeding, but having my baby scream and cry all day while I push my boob in his face is far from the best thing for us. I wish things were different because I despise pumping and cleaning bottles, not to mention how much easier my life would be if I didn’t have to heat up formula in the middle of the night. But these are the cards that I have been dealt and I’m doing my best to have a winning hand for Blake.

Mark says that it’s all in my head, but when anyone (let’s be honest, it feels like literally everyone) asks me about breastfeeding, I feel like I need to explain our story and I inevitably feel so much judgment. Society is all rah rah normalize breastfeeding, but I don’t feel like we pumping moms get much love. Today our pediatrician told me that I was doing an amazing job by sticking with it. My husband tells me that I am wonderful and supports me the best he can while I’m doing my full-time pumping job. My son is happy and thriving. That’s really all the support I need.

I salute you, pumping mamas. Because it sucks, literally. Here’s to the breastfeeding mamas, because that shit is not easy. Cheers to the exclusive formula mamas because you figured out what was best for you and your kid. Fed is best. I can’t wait to throw both of my pumps out the window when my little man is 6 months.

I suffered through the entire next day, diligently charting my contractions on an app. At this point, I hadn’t slept for more than a few minutes at a time for almost 48 hours. With contractions now meeting the timing criteria, we went back to the hospital. I was now a solid 3cm. I was not pleased to hear that low number. The ER doc was leaning towards sending me home again (with drugs this time!), but luckily my Dr was on call and told him to admit me and to help speed things along with Pitocin. I was admitted at around 3 and in my room by 4AM. I asked to not be given the Pitocin until after I could get an epidural because the pain was already so intense that I didn’t think I could sit still if it got worse. I got the epidural and started on Pitocin at around 5AM, still at 3cm.

Sidenote – epidurals are INCREDIBLE, I highly recommend epidurals. My anesthesiologist was a rockstar because I could feel everything, but without pain.

When the nurse came in at 6AM to check on me, I was dilated 6. They then quickly took me off Pitocin because I was moving along so quickly, likely on my own (I knew that I was right to go to the hospital!!) She told me that if we let labor progress on its own, I’d likely start pushing by noon. Mark and I called our parents and tried to nap a bit.

At about 12PM, my nurse came back in and said that I was dilated to 10. She told me that pushing usually takes about an hour and that I should do a couple of practice pushes before she called my Dr so she could come to the hospital from her practice across the street. After 2 sets of practice pushes, the nurse started hollering for assistance from other nurses and they started calling my Dr frantically… he was almost coming out. They had me close my legs and to fight any urge I might have to push.

The next few minutes were completely chaotic as nurses came in to check out, “all that hair” and another Dr came running in, throwing on her scrubs in case my Dr didn’t make it.

My Dr ran in, and the baby plopped out. Literally. I didn’t even push, he came out during a contraction!! They put him skin to skin, Mark cut the cord, and I enjoyed the bizarre epidural haze holding the baby that had been inside of me for the last 9 months, completely awestruck. We went in with 2 names, Blake Albus and Neville Hiro.. he came out kicking and screaming, quite upset to be out of his uterus home and we knew he was a Blake (named after Mark’s favorite basketball player, Blake Griffin).

Read on if you’re a Harry Potter fan:

Mark and I started watching the Harry Potter movies in order after I reached active labor at 8 cm so we could see what scene our kid decided to make an entrance at (thinking it would take 5 movies or so at least). We made it through the first film and onto the second because I went so fast. At some point during the chaos of trying to get a doctor to me in time, a nurse must have bumped the screen on our Microsoft Surface and paused The Chamber of Secrets. A few minutes after Blake was born, we realized that the screen was frozen on the scene with blood on the wall that says, “The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir.. Beware.” LOL!!

Our amazing friend, Cesar, filmed our wedding in Super 8 as a wedding gift. Mark used that footage and put this together for me as a 1 year anniversary gift.

Over the coming weeks, I’m going to share some of the details that went into planning and share photos from our incredible wedding day. Reliving it all again over the past 24 hours has just been the best. <3

I’m sure this is personified by a combination of family pressure about being without children and just society as a whole. But you know what? I’m working on it. This is my first Christmas of being married to my husband and I want to celebrate it as a family. A family unit that is just as valid as any other. One that gets to carve our own traditions and feel the magic of the holidays. Next year I plan on addressing our cards from The Guerrero Family, but I think this is a good start. <3

Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

xo

I started collecting Hello Kitty as a child of the 80’s. My dad often traveled to Japan for business and would come home with HK and Astro Boy goodies for me each trip. I’d collect my pencils, stickers, and erasers, keeping them in-tact and never daring to use my special treasures.

I’m going to be in Vegas for Halloween, so I have to miss the first Hello Kitty Con (SO SAD), but I did have a chance to visit the Japanese American National Museum to tour her exhibit a few weeks ago.

A good portion of the exhibit showed vintage goodies (several of which I own!) and designer collabs, but my favorite part had to be the artist tributes.

Hi Kitty by Audrey Kawasaki

Inconstruction by Kevin Earl Taylor

Block Hello Kitty by Yarns & Noble

Hello Lincoln by Scott Scheidly

The exhibit is going until april 26, so go check it out!

This past Easter weekend marked my 4 year anniversary with Mark. If you would have told me 4 years ago that I would be living with Mark in his amazing, modern home with views of downtown LA (where I’d be working), and now married to him, I would have had you committed. Why am I so lucky? I’ll never know, but I’ll take it!

I haven’t been blogging, but I blog in my head, you know? I go to a restaurant and I take mental pictures to show you. I twirl around in a new skirt and I wish you were there. Mark and I run in the park and I make stupid jokes and laugh and laugh and you guys are pushing me during my exercise routines. And you better believe you were at my wedding dress fittings. Even though I’m not blogging, you are still there with me everyday, and sometimes I miss you so badly that I realize that I need a smack upside my head to get me back on track. This isn’t a job, this is a friendship and like all bff’s, it needs to be maintained. So while I am quite possibly in one of the busiest times of my life, here I am.

I missed you. You look pretty today, btw.

Mark and I met in person for the first time at Disneyland, specifically in front of the “A” at the giant California sign at Disney California Adventure. Disneyland has continued to be our special place and we try to go as regularly as our schedules will allow. A few years ago, our beloved California sign was taken down due to a renovation at DCA. I had no idea where it ended up, but Mark had tracked it to Sacramento, where it had been donated to the state and placed at the California State Fair Expo.

Mark’s bff tricked me into a roadtrip up north. He had told me that he was playing a show at a dive bar in Sacramento and to keep it a suprise for Mark! We weren’t going to be meeting up with our friends until the next morning so we had Friday night free. Mark told me that he had been looking up things to do in Sacramento and had a surprise that he wanted to show me and we pulled up to the letters! I was so excited to see them! At this point, I thought that this was all just a happy coincidence so when Mark suggested that we take a few pictures in front of it, I didn’t think anything of it! Video was rolling when he went down on one knee and the rest is history.

I cannot wait to be this man’s wife. Gosh do I love him so.

Let me know if you try this (I used one of my favorite Goody no-slip clips). And may I suggest that you always keep Mod Podge and a variety of glitters on hand? It is so easy to quickly cutesy up anything.. Mark better watch out before the whole house is sparkling!

It was some darn good chili and I can’t wait to take the best parts of it to combine with some of my other favorite recipes. I think that I will keep this dish in heavy winter rotation. What are some of your favorite cold weather recipes?

I eyeballed the original recipe the first time that I made it, but have since made a few adjustments. I have decreased the amount of basil used to about 1/4 cup, increased the amount of bacon to 8 slices, used a few more splashes of fresh squeezed lemon juice, one more “once around” with the olive oil, and a few more spins of the pepper grinder. I happened to have some mozzarella cheese in the fridge so I added it in addition to Parmesan. I loved how melty and gooey it became when it mixed with the warm pasta too, so I highly recommend this add-on.

Pro tip: When crumbled bacon is needed, save time by laying it out neatly, between quality paper towels, on a microwave-safe plate. I typically microwave it on high in 2 minute increments until it reaches its desired done-ness (It took me about 7mins for dry crunchy while chopping veggies in between!). This lil’ cheat cuts down on time and grease!
It’s a meal that is hard to mess up and is as delicious warm as it is cold the next day for lunch. The basil and lemon are the perfect tangy/soothing combination, while the crispy bacon and pasta add fun textures. I also believe this recipe is picnic friendly, as the lemon juice is a natural preservative to the avo and basil, keeping it as green as the picnic spot you choose this summer :-)